Office Barnets – The Lowdown

Reading Time: 4 minutes

You’ve got your style in tact, you’re completely assured in your barnet, you know you’re hot stuff – you’ve got it goin on. But wait… the rules of society dictate that your hairstyle may in fact not be quite the showstopper you thought it was – could it be time for a restyle?

Your clothes, general appearance and hair say a lot about you at work, which means the cut you opt for could be just as important as your office attire.

Here’s what your hairstyle says about you at work:

(Remember to take these descriptions completely seriously, after all they represent everyones opinions – everyones….)

© tambako
© tambako




You’re the guy who looks like he’s just rolled out of bed looking messy in all the right ways. You walk in the office and every woman sings Etta James in her head as you swagger along. Except, you’ve spent a fair amount of time placing each hair, just to ensure it’s positioned in an effortless ‘I made no effort to look like this’ way. You might think your colleagues think you’re breezy and sexy, when in fact they’re all completely aware you spend plenty of time perfecting your bed head. You’re the guy who thinks he’s all about manliness in a raw and natural way, only you’ve got several tubes of moisturising lip balm in your pocket, and a mini vat of sickeningly priced hair gum in your beat up satchel to remould flyaway hairs that aren’t flying away… in the right way. You’re successful, but everyone knows you know it – nobody believes your highlights are blessings from the sun. Everybody knows you paid ÂŁ200 for your bronde.

“Some of the worst mistakes in my life were haircuts” – Jim Morrison



Between each tap on the keyboard you’re constantly sweeping your thick fringe to the side. You’re the cutie, the one everyone wants to mother – you’re Peter Pan. You’re popular, but you’re desperate to be taken seriously and everyone knows it. You love how likeable you are, but you do get a bit stressed when your success is rewarded with a rough pat on the back or hair rub from that manager with massive hands and a patronising voice. Your cherub like features are going to get you far, but you’ll always crave being taken seriously for your skills.

“Pull the hair on my head the wrong way, and I would be on my knees begging for mercy. I have very sensitive follicles.”

― Benedict Cumberbatch


Badly Hidden Shiny Spot

You’ve got a seemingly fine but adequate head of hair – you’re beyond proud of your hidden bald spot you believe is top secret. The only problem is, you bend down at work, you tip your head, you have colleagues taller than you – your bald spot is as secret as the boss’s affair with the receptionist. In work this means you’re stuck in a rut – you’re not straight talking – you refuse to see the truth. Do yourself a favour son – face up to your baldy barnet. Don’t be the Donald Trump of the office – no one likes a trump. Combovers were never in fashion – and yours is stopping you being taken seriously at work. Pull a Vin Diesel, a Bruce Willis, A Sinead O’Connor and embrace your big, beautiful, bald head – your office will love you for it.

“All things old become new again. In my youth the athletes had crew cuts and the hippies had long hair. Now the athletes have long hair and the hippies are bald.”

― Harley King


Essex Long

During regrowth you have a slicked down bob that curls a little at the sides, when longer you opt for the super cool ‘Mun’, usually paired with some trendy leopard print glasses despite your 20/20 vision. Men don’t trust you, women fantasise about being with you when they’re middle aged and stuck in a rut. At work you’re a bit of a geezer, but most people think that you think you’re above the rules – you’re too cool for school.

“I like to walk around with bare feet and I don’t like to comb my hair.”

― Beyoncé Knowles


Jesus Long

You’ve got long hair you either let flow freely or you wear it in a loose ponytail at the back, or even (gulp) in a plait. You’re popular but everyone’s a bit wary of a guy who has longer hair than his wife. There’s a general feeling you may not have ever gotten over your teenage rocker years – you’re the only one trumping for the biker style bar on Friday night drinks when everyone else wants to go for cocktails. You’re at home in denim, and you’re a whizz at computers. You’re loveable but a tiny bit suspicious – you’re never the client facing team member.

“Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man – there’s your diamond in the rough.” – Larry David


Remember these descriptions are completely fabricated, so be sure to take them as seriously as the guy with the Justin Bieber haircut in your office….

“It doesn’t matter how long my hair is or what colour my skin is or whether I’m a woman or a man.” – John Lennon

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